I'm no Rubenstein, but...

*Note: the following is nothing more than word vomit. So if you're expecting good writing, maintain those expectations at your own risk. 
Thank you,
The Management

On Friday, I accompanied my friend Julene, who I met in London, as she sang a vocal solo at BYU's College of Humanities graduation exercises. It was cool to be asked to do that, and it got me thinking about some things that have been on my mind for a couple of weeks now, and still am not quite sure how to verbalize. But I'll try.

All through high school, I did music the way jocks do sports--all the time. I was that nerdy girl who often wouldn't go out with her friends unless she'd practiced piano for a couple of hours first. I was really cool... And I'd play/sing/whatever in every circumstance that I could, because I loved it so much. I'd even get excited when I'd get asked to play hymns for the congregation at church meetings. Then I went to college and decided not to major in music after all, like everyone expected me to. And no one there knew me or my penchant for pianos and violins and employed vocal chords, like at home. So, since I wasn't a music major and since everyone and their dog at BYU plays thirty-seven and a half musical instruments or sings like like a rockstar (a good one, I mean) or has been in 49 musicals since they were fifteen, those music talents I had in high school weren't quite as unique or needed as before. And since everyone could do it, what's the big deal?

So for the past couple of years, I have kind of stuck to playing the occasional musical number in church, playing occasional hymns for church meetings when my roommates (who know I play) happen to be in charge, and wishing that I could play piano and violin like I used to. I have had the amazing opportunity for two and a half years to sing in BYU Women's Chorus, an incredibly talented 180-voice choir, which has satiated my music bug a little. But whenever I come home to visit and people I knew before ask me if I'm majoring piano, choral ed, or violin performance, I just shrug and say, "No...I decided to go the English route." And of course, I don't regret my decision not to major in music at all. I LOVE my major--am such an English nerd, but I always felt a little twinge of sadness that I've let my love/abilities for music go so unpracticed for so long. I haven't really tried to keep it up--I've convinced myself, "Oh, it's really hard for non-music majors at BYU to do much with music...there's not much I can do about it..."

What a dumb thought process. Here's why: a week or so ago, I stumbled on this blog post by my good friend Daxson, and it got me thinking a lot. I have all this ideals about how I'd like to be and what I'd like to be good at (music and writing being two of them), but I rarely practice or consume the kinds of music and writing that I want to be good at. Lately I haven't been listening to a lot of music, especially not the kind that I want to be able to play/sing, and I haven't been reading the kind of writing that I would like to do myself. And I've been feeling all uncultured and stuff. Yogurt that is still milk. Or something. And reading that post was like, "DUH! If you want to be good at something, you gotta DO that thing!" Something about practicing, or something. But creating yourself is more than half the battle. A couple weeks ago, I started hijacking my roommate's (fairly decent, fortunately) keyboard and singing/playing in my apartment when few or no people were home. And my goodness, the relief that came just from creating my own music, even if it's what someone else has already written, was beautiful and cathartic in a way that made me never want to stop.

So for the past couple of days, I've been trying to reform. I'm listening to more music, and I'm reading good writing. But more importantly, I'm trying to do those things myself. I hung out with my mama's grand piano for an hour or two tonight, and though he was a little wary of me at first since I hadn't spent real time with him in so long, by the end of our evening, we were making beautiful music together. And really, that's what I miss about music. I don't need to wait for other people to ask me to play/sing. I can do it myself. I don't need an excuse to make music. I'm not very good. I don't have much to offer. But it's what I can do, and it makes me happy, and I want it, and it's a good thing to want, so my goodness, whatever was holding me back in the first place?

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before...As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

Feels like springtime in that "world within [me]." Time to start blossoming, I think.