The End of All Things...sort of...

The end of a semester or school term is always a really interesting time for me. On the one hand, I feel very stressed and under the gun, thanks to all the papers, projects, and tests to complete, in order to ensure that I did, indeed, learn something. When I think about all of these things, I start to feel claustrophobic. Every year, it seems that there is more to do and harder papers, projects, and tests than the previous semesters, which I suppose only makes sense since I'm only getting older and more advanced in my education.

However, something that is also interesting to me is that as I get older and begin more difficult scholastic endeavors, I also find that my stress level and nervousness about upcoming events decreases as well. This week, I have 3 finals, a piano recital, about 240 papers to grade for work, and two concerts this weekend, plus 2 dress rehearsals for said concerts on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Honestly, there are simply not enough hours in the week to get it all done. And yet, I feel strangely relaxed about it. I've been wondering why I've felt so relaxed, and in D&C today it hit me: I think I'm learning to see the bigger picture. Yes, doing well in school is very important to me. I used to be a perfectionist and refuse to accept the possibility that I might get a "B" in one of my classes. But in the grand scheme of things, grades really don't matter that much. I know that they are important for grad school and further education, but in the long run, what happens will happen, and Heavenly Father will make it all work out. I was talking with a friend the other day, and she said that she can't stand to get B's or even A-'s because she can't stand the thought of not doing her best on school. When she said that, it rubbed me the wrong way--I disagreed, but I wasn't sure why. As I've done some thinking about it, I guess it's because I believe that while my best efforts in schoolwork could theoretically bring the "A" grade I desire, while I am busy earning my A's, I could miss out on other things that are equally, if not more important for my growth. To me, it's not worth sacrificing good health or being flexible enough to do what I feel is most important with my time.

Now, don't get me wrong--right now, other than my relationships with Heavenly Father, my family, and few close friends, school is the biggest, most important, all-consuming aspect of my life, and sometimes, it even precludes the relationships with my family and friends. I spend most evenings (unless I have a prior committment, which is rare) and spare time studying. I'm known to often read a book while walking to and from classes, because I can't stand to waste the 10 minutes in walking time. It's not that school is low on my priority list--I guess it's just that I don't worry about the numbers and letters that supposedly "measure" my learning. I know that if I am trying my best to learn, and I give it my very best effort within reason, Heavenly Father will bless me. If I get a B or two and can't get into the very best grad school program I was hoping to get into, He'll make it okay, and it'll all work for my good. He loves me, and He wants me to succeed.

Now, to come full circle: I realized this in D&C today because we were talking about the ordinances of the temple. As I was thinking about the implications of achieving my eternal potential and becoming how Father needs me to be for eternity, I re-realized that that is why grades don't matter. That is why I can relax, do my very best, struggle through and do everything in my power to succeed as best I can, and then He will make up the difference. "It is not requisite that [I] should run faster than [I have] strength," after all. In the next life, Heavenly Father won't care whether or not I got good grades, but He will care that I trusted Him. Instead of taking everything upon myself to make me succeed by my own strength, I can just trust Him. What a beautiful idea. I don't, none of us has to worry, because we can just trust Him to give us the rest we seek and believe in His power to do so. I love this gospel. :)

History and Record Keeping

Wow--it's been a while since I've posted. I wanted to blog about the Church History Symposium that I went to for Doctrine and Covenants, even though it's been a little while since it happened. The symposium was on Feb. 27, and although it was all very interesting and informative, my favorite talk was the final one, given by Elder Marlin K. Jensen, of the Seventy. (Most of the other talks I attended were about the various forms of record-keeping throughout Church history and about trends and patterns in different periods of the Church's history.) Elder Jensen is the current Church Historian for my church, and he oversees all the records for the ordinances and major events that happen within it, and he makes sure that accurate and up-to-date histories on the Church throughout the world are kept.

Elder Jensen's talk was so good. He basically addressed the topic, "Why the Study and Enjoyment of Church History is an Important Part of a Full Life in the Gospel." It was really interesting for me to hear, because I guess I had never really thought of a knowledge of Church history as absolutely essential for one's participation and experiences in the gospel. I'd not really given the matter much thought, and I think if I had, I would have said something along the lines of "it's a nice-to-know" thing, but not as important and understanding something like the scriptures or something.

One of the reasons that he gave for Church history being so essential to our lives in the gospel was because over and over again in the scriptures, the prophets have asked us to keep a record of our doings, and to "[retain] in remembrance the captivity of our fathers" (Alma 5:6). It's not like I didn't know this either, because I've been hearing about the importance of keeping a journal since I was old enough to scratch out letters in my very first Precious Moments journal at age four. However, Elder Jensen points out that remembering the past cannot be passively done. He said, "Continuing our love affair with the past enables us to more fully appreciate the present and to take better advantage of the future." As I thought about this quote and the talk as a whole, I realized how essential remembrance is to our individual relationships with Heavenly Father. Remembering is not a passive act--it does not mean that I can just think of these important things, (whether history, my covenants with God, or the words of the prophets) every now and again and have it bring powerful meaning to my soul. Remembering requires effort. After all, each week when we take the sacrament, we promise Heavenly Father "to always remember Him," which is much more than just a fleeting thought now and again (D&C 20:77). Studying Church history, and any history, really, should draw us closer to Christ. The purpose of learning this history is to help us learn from the events of the past so that we can understand how to become closer to Jesus Christ ourselves.

In that light, I guess I feel like I understand so much more why it's so important to study history and record it while it's happening. It reminds me of the talk by President Henry B. Eyring a few General Conferences ago, when he discussed how in the act of recording the events of our own daily histories that we can see the hand of the Lord in our personal lives. The talk is called, "O Remember, Remember," interestingly enough. :) The same is true of Church and general history. As we prayerfully and diligently seek to study and learn the things of the past, we will become more able to identify the hand of the Lord in the lives of His children, thus improving our personal relationships with Him and helping to give direction and purpose to our actions in the future.

Cool. :)

Bits of wisdom, seven days a week

It's always interesting to me to follow our discussions in my Doctrine and Covenants class, because on the very first day of class, my professor said that he wouldn't be focusing on teaching us how to apply the scriptures in our lives, but rather on the historical context of them. However, as I look through my notes later after class is over, my notes seem to be more similar to the way I would write in my scripture journal--full of thoughts, impressions, and applications to my own life. Sure, I also have the historical context of what we talk about in class, but my teacher is right: once we learn the how's and why's and what's of the historical aspects of the text, applying it becomes that much easier.

Last Tuesday, my notes for the day consisted mostly of these applications--bits of wisdom to help me in my life. I know we actually discussed some of them in class, but I think others of them were just things I decided to jot down. One of the things that I've thought a lot about recently is the idea of being a Sunday-only member of your faith--whether Catholic, Lutheran, Mormon, Jewish, Muslim, or whatever. I guess it basically just comes down to living up to your convictions. We were talking about how in the early days of the church, a lot of people were angry with Joseph Smith for being a prophet who influenced the way they lived their lives on the other days of the week besides just Sunday. I think this is more common than just an issue in the early days of the Latter-day Saints--I think it's present in every religion, all throughout history. I'm certainly guilty of it at times. Though I have very specific, certain things that I believe and I believe in them wholeheartedly, there are times where in the moment I don't want to act like I believe the things I do.

Technically speaking, I believe that being messy isn't a very good thing, that procrastinating is kind of lame, and that it's important to really study the scriptures every day--more than just reading them. However, I am sitting in a messy room, I procrastinated beginning my homework for quite a while earlier tonight, and I haven't studied scriptures yet today. So why do I do this?

I'm not perfect. I mess up. I don't always live up to my convictions. And you know, even though I believe very strongly in the values and standards that my church espouses, just like those early Latter-day Saints, I too have a hard time living them every day of the week. I guess that's why I'm here. I have to learn to do the best I can with what I have. I need to learn to live my religion seven days a week, as best as I possibly can. Even though I mess up, I'll just keep trying. Though the early Saints sometimes got angry with Joseph Smith for telling them things that the Lord wanted them to do that were "too hard," I'm going to try harder not to do that. I'm going to try harder not to grumble, mumble, and inwardly rebel against my beliefs and convictions that I know to be true. Hopefully one of these days I'll actually be able to tell a difference.

In the meantime, I guess I just beg the rest of the world to remember that I'm still trying. Please remember that I'm human too and I'm just trying like everyone else to do the right thing..and that I'll mess up every now and again.

I feel kind of like the Little Engine that Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...