The End of All Things...sort of...

The end of a semester or school term is always a really interesting time for me. On the one hand, I feel very stressed and under the gun, thanks to all the papers, projects, and tests to complete, in order to ensure that I did, indeed, learn something. When I think about all of these things, I start to feel claustrophobic. Every year, it seems that there is more to do and harder papers, projects, and tests than the previous semesters, which I suppose only makes sense since I'm only getting older and more advanced in my education.

However, something that is also interesting to me is that as I get older and begin more difficult scholastic endeavors, I also find that my stress level and nervousness about upcoming events decreases as well. This week, I have 3 finals, a piano recital, about 240 papers to grade for work, and two concerts this weekend, plus 2 dress rehearsals for said concerts on Wednesday and Thursday nights. Honestly, there are simply not enough hours in the week to get it all done. And yet, I feel strangely relaxed about it. I've been wondering why I've felt so relaxed, and in D&C today it hit me: I think I'm learning to see the bigger picture. Yes, doing well in school is very important to me. I used to be a perfectionist and refuse to accept the possibility that I might get a "B" in one of my classes. But in the grand scheme of things, grades really don't matter that much. I know that they are important for grad school and further education, but in the long run, what happens will happen, and Heavenly Father will make it all work out. I was talking with a friend the other day, and she said that she can't stand to get B's or even A-'s because she can't stand the thought of not doing her best on school. When she said that, it rubbed me the wrong way--I disagreed, but I wasn't sure why. As I've done some thinking about it, I guess it's because I believe that while my best efforts in schoolwork could theoretically bring the "A" grade I desire, while I am busy earning my A's, I could miss out on other things that are equally, if not more important for my growth. To me, it's not worth sacrificing good health or being flexible enough to do what I feel is most important with my time.

Now, don't get me wrong--right now, other than my relationships with Heavenly Father, my family, and few close friends, school is the biggest, most important, all-consuming aspect of my life, and sometimes, it even precludes the relationships with my family and friends. I spend most evenings (unless I have a prior committment, which is rare) and spare time studying. I'm known to often read a book while walking to and from classes, because I can't stand to waste the 10 minutes in walking time. It's not that school is low on my priority list--I guess it's just that I don't worry about the numbers and letters that supposedly "measure" my learning. I know that if I am trying my best to learn, and I give it my very best effort within reason, Heavenly Father will bless me. If I get a B or two and can't get into the very best grad school program I was hoping to get into, He'll make it okay, and it'll all work for my good. He loves me, and He wants me to succeed.

Now, to come full circle: I realized this in D&C today because we were talking about the ordinances of the temple. As I was thinking about the implications of achieving my eternal potential and becoming how Father needs me to be for eternity, I re-realized that that is why grades don't matter. That is why I can relax, do my very best, struggle through and do everything in my power to succeed as best I can, and then He will make up the difference. "It is not requisite that [I] should run faster than [I have] strength," after all. In the next life, Heavenly Father won't care whether or not I got good grades, but He will care that I trusted Him. Instead of taking everything upon myself to make me succeed by my own strength, I can just trust Him. What a beautiful idea. I don't, none of us has to worry, because we can just trust Him to give us the rest we seek and believe in His power to do so. I love this gospel. :)

Symbolism and Differences

We've been talking a lot about symbols and the function of symbolism in my D&C class lately. One of the interesting things that we've discussed a lot in class is how the meanings of different symbols change depending on their usage. Many people have pointed out that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a lot of similar symbolism to Freemasonry. It's true--we do. However, we also have a lot of the same symbols used in Catholicism, Judaism, Protestantism, and many other religions and organizations. I guess it just struck me, because I'd never really thought about how much the symbolism of various groups overlap. I think a lot of times we as humans tend to look for the differences between others' beliefs and our own, and then when comparing two sets of beliefs that we don't necessarily uphold, we tend to lump them together and not value their distinguishing characteristics. In reality, I think we all have a lot more in common than we give ourselves credit for.

I guess it made me realize how important it is to recognize that many religions really do share the same beliefs. Because I am a Latter-day Saint, or a Mormon, as we're so often called, I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior, and that I cannot be saved without Him. I believe that each person on earth is a child of God and that He loves each of us individually more than we can comprehend. I believe that families are the most important social unit on the earth today and that strong families can only help society. I believe that by being honest, kind, selfless, and aware of other people, individuals will be much happier in this life. I believe that God has something greater in mind for us in the life after this one. I believe He wants us to take care of this amazing earth that He created for us. I believe a lot of things that a lot of other people in a lot of other religions believe as well, but when I or other people focus on our differences and refuse to try to see each other around the differences, that's when animosity, miscommunication, and prejudice on either side happen. I believe a lot of things that others may think are weird or untrue, but that's okay. People are allowed to think what they please--I'm allowed to believe what I do, and they're allowed to believe I'm crazy or deluded, if they wish. :)

In our symbolism discussion, we discussed how although the icons of the symbols overlap, the meanings of them are often very different. Thus, it's very important to ask people what their symbols mean before judging them. I guess that's where the differences thing comes in again. Though we all believe different things in addition to those we have in common, if we just seek to understand others' beliefs and see things from their point of view, the animosity, miscommunication, and prejudice all but disappears. That's because we're seeking to understand them before trying to make them see our point of view.

The whole discussion just reminded me over and over again of how important it is to accept and be slow to judge. And all of those thoughts about similarities and differences stemmed from a discussion about symbols. I had a lot of other cool thoughts about the power of and importance of symbols, but I'll save those for another time. (This is already getting long.) However, I know I keep looking for symbols in my life and the world around me as a result of the discussion--but I hope I become a little more patient and understanding in the process as well. After all, if I can't live the way I wish the world were myself, what's the point of wishing it? Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." It's got to start somewhere. Why not with me?

Words, words, words...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the significance of words. I guess you could say that making sure that I have the right word in the right place at the right time is a minor obsession of mine. (And yet I still make mistakes in expressing myself so, so often...hmm...) Most of what I've been thinking about has been in relation to words in communication and conversation with others. Now, I am not a quiet, sit-on-the-sidelines kind of person, especially if a subject comes up that I feel strongly about. Generally, if I have an opinion about something and it's important to me, I am anxious to voice it and explain what I think and why. The interesting thing is, nearly all of my dearest friends are the same way. We love to discuss things--anything from politics to books to what we can and can't wear to whether butter on your bread is better at room temperature or refrigerated. (Definitely room temp, by the way.) And yet, we have never fought or dealt with typical roommate girl drama. Naturally, we disagree about many things and sometimes try to make the other person understand our point of view a little too hard (I think I'm probably the most guilty here), but we've never really fought or been angry with one another. So why? Why is it that six girls who have such strong opinions about so many things and who know each other so well manage to get out of arguments like that?

I think it kind of has to do with something that we talked about in Doctrine and Covenants the other day. We read a verse talking about "jarrings" in the scriptural context, and someone asked what that words meant. After a bit of discussion, someone else said that they thought it meant getting into heated discussions or debates that feel contentious and unkind, even if they aren't straight-up arguments. I agree with that. And I guess that's why I've felt like my discussions with my wonderful roommates don't turn into fights or arguments--they aren't "jarrings." As soon as it starts to feel unkind or like any one of us is being too pushy, everyone present seems to take the cue to back off. We all try to calm down the tone of our words, and everyone apologizes for getting too worked up. I even received a text message the other day from one of these lovely, beautiful girls apologizing for beginning to be contentious in a conversation we'd had. And really, I was the one who was more at fault than she.

I guess it just boils down to how important sensitivity in our communication is. I don't think you have to sacrifice clarity or opinion for the sake of speaking kindly. I don't think you have to be a doormat either. But I look at the people with whom I feel the safest and that I trust the most, and invariably, they are the people that are the kindest in their manner of speaking to me. Unfortunately, the reason I've been thinking about it and noticing it so much is because it's something that I am trying desperately to work on--to be more gentle in my speech and more loving and accepting in my words. Speaking of which, this is getting long. Guess I've waxed a little eloquent. It's interesting to notice though. Maybe the more I notice the kindness of others, the better I'll be able to be at ridding my conversation of these "jarrings" and critical, contentious words.